"Oh, I'm much too busy, Dears" ... "Do I have children? Well...no. Do I have a full time job? Well...no, but I do have school!" School? Really? Is that an excuse I should be making? I hate school with every fiber of my being. I am even studying something that I actually enjoy. I still feel that society has forced some sort of constraint on me. Telling me that since I am a strong woman, that I NEED to get my degree, and get a job that makes me lots of money. Is that what I want? Well, is it?? Has society asked me what I want? I know it's not all about me, of this I am well aware, however...it is my life. And Society could have been polite enough to see how I felt about all of this. The year is 2010, and apparently I live in a liberated time. Apparently I can do what I please. Except, that isn't true is it? It would be frowned upon if I got married, dropped out of school, and made biscuits for my husband.
I don't want to graduate from college. You heard me. Well, I guess at this point I do. I have made it this far, and I might as well finish. But what am I finishing? I am getting a degree in something I love, that being Psychology. But what do I do for half my classes? What have I done since freshman year? I have very purposefully ignored nearly every one of my professors. You wanna know why? Because they are unintelligent. I mean, fine; the ones teaching the math...they have the facts, but those are about the only ones that I haven't disagreed with (I cannot really disagree with something that I cannot seem to comprehend). But I ignore the others because many of them teach their opinion, and make things unnecessarily political.
But back to this whole "degree" thing. I still don't get why this makes me more eligible for a job, and really it doesn't. What have I learned? To sit in class, and spit back what the teacher wants to hear. I am spending so much money. So much time.
But here comes the question, how am I going to use this? As everyone knows, Psychology is essentially useless without some sort of graduate degree. And do I want to go into to MORE debt for that?! Society expects it. Society says that it's acceptable, and even good to do that. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO.
When people ask what I want to do when I graduate, I really don't have a good response. I know what I want. I want to spread the Gospel of the Good News of Jesus Christ with everyone. I want to go places, and help people. But when I say it out loud, many times I just get blank stares, or worse...I get smirks. Oh, smirks. People smirk, thinking, yeah...she wants to do "big things" do "good" things. She wants to stand out. I hate saying that I want to be a missionary, because honestly I know that I am so disgustingly imperfect that I am afraid that I would fail miserably at the job that I set out to do. And then people would laugh instead of smirk. I wish I didn't care about the smirking people, but they do get to me.
I do love people, believe or not. I think that's why I am so drawn to Psychology. I want to know more about people. I want to grow relationships with people. I want to listen, I want to talk, I want to share the love that I know that I have been commanded to share.
I know that I will always have opposition, that's what makes life the way it is.
So here it is Society; I know that you don't care, just as long as I do what fits in your cage of freedom, but I really want you to know this...
I want to get married, cook, clean house, have some babies, wear aprons, and generally be a loving wife and mother. I would feel the most accomplished doing that.
However, I know that I am going to try and graduate. I am going to try and get a job to pay off the student loans that I took out to get a piece of paper saying that I know enough to make a few dollars above minimum wage. I am just tickled pink. But I have decided that I really am going to try to get involved in Missions. Obviously, I am called to share the Gospel where ever I am, but I am going to try and get on with a Missions board. Whether I get anywhere with that will greatly depend on whether or not they will accept me with my student loans. I would like to ask that whomever reads this will pray for me. Pray that God will show what I am supposed to do, and pray that I don't screw up...too bad.
It seems I am always ranting about society, constraints, hating college, and wanting to do something else. I know it is boring to hear. And believe it or not, I am not being as dramatic as I sound. I know I need to quit complaining and do something.
For now, I am going to sit on the couch with my snuggie, watch Say Anything, and think about making Monkey Bread.
And let you know just how much I despise Society. Oh, and Sigmund Freud...I don't love him so much either.
2 comments:
I agree! Boo "Society"! Anyway, do what the Lord leads...and if you can't figure out where the Lord is leading at the time (my problem at times), do the next "right thing". There is some more of my unasked for advice! Ha! And very original too, wasn't it?? ;)
Society's "cage of freedom" - great phrase & it hits the nail on the head. You can be a "liberated woman" in the eyes of our society, only if you follow their definition. College, career, then, maybe,family. Great point! At least you know that you have TRUE freedom in Christ!
I love you!
Melissa when it comes to missions work, you can't wait until you are "ready" to serve God.
It is like becoming a Christian, we can't clean ourselves up before we become a Christian. God does that.
We can't become more mature Christians and then serve God. We become more mature Christians while we serve God, and yes we can serve God in many ways, not just on the foreign mission field.
I'm praying for you. I often pray for myself when I have something big going that I'm deciding to do, that if God does not want me do this he will block my path, and if he does want me there he will open doors. This is how I'm praying for you too. Sorry for the long comment.
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