Blink

There is a crack in my sister's window. I am sleeping right under it. It's December by the way.

I have lost my well laid out path, friends. I know it's still there, I've just lost it. I am in no great rush to find it again though (or that's what I am telling myself so I won't stress out).

Truthfully, I would like people to be proud of me. I would like them to think nice things, but it's really not about me. I am too disgustingly selfish. I need to snap out of this funk.

This may have been the craziest year of my life. That may be why I am so confused. Terrible and wonderful things happened. It's still proving to be crazy, I guess it likes how silly its' been. I hope this year is proud of itself because I sure still don't know what to think. I hope next year straightens up and it should be warned that I am expecting it to be a little more mature than its' predecessor.

Goodnight.

I hope I do not wake up with icicle hands and blue toes.

Absurd

Whoa

I should probably get rid of this blog, huh?

I mean, it was mainly created so I could be angsty about my University life, and I am through with it now.

It feels so weird.

Like really.

This is the first time in my life that I do not have some sort of school. I would like to say that I love it, I mean, I spent enough time complaining about it, but I just dunno how to feel.

What will I do?! Find a big kid job?? Who would hire me? Yeah, I don't know either.

Starting a new chapter y'all. Actually I feel like I am starting a new book....like my life is a series of books and I just finished up with that weird 2nd novel that I didn't know quite what to think about. The 3rd we all hope will be more interesting and exciting, but one never knows.

We'll see.

Twitchy

My Asian neighbors think I am insane.

I am supposed to be listening to this incredibly entertaining lecture on Sigmund Freud.

Instead I am updating my blog.

I am sure that Dr. McCarver is ok with that.

Y'all, I feel bad for him. He talks about his cats too much. He also really likes sweaters (no judgement there, I love them too), he likes to talk about his sweaters. He really likes speaking slowly. I want to ask him why, but I feel that he wouldn't consider it entirely relevant.

I am pretty sure that the few people who did show up for class are laughing at me because I am totally not paying attention. Whatevs, neither are they.

I am in a class, it's the next one I attend today. Modern Drama. It makes me want to audition for a play. However, today we are discussing Death of a Salesman. Not my faves.

I'm not really sure if I could memorize stuff anymore anyway. College has broken me. I miss theatre so badly.

I could start practicing my British accent and audition for one, but I feel that I probably really have lost my touch. Ah well, what can ya do?

Oh man, this is such a boring post. I am putting myself to sleep, and that is why I started writing it. "History and Systems in Psychology; the cure for all insomnia!"

Tonight

We are young.

Are we though?

Sure.

I won't question that anymore.

Ya know, potato soup always makes me think of my Grandmother. It makes me miss her so bad, but I love it.

I have had a series of mental and emotional breakdowns this week. Its' been embarrassing. I won't get anymore detailed, but I did have to quit one of my jobs.

I miss people. I miss places. I miss free time. I miss faces.

Hairy

Here I go. Typing words.

Ranting.

Completely mental.

Self pitying little jerk that I am.

You don't want to hear it.

It's irritating to have to put up with. I understand.

Oh, these complaints, they are mindless. They go on and on, with no end in site. Your eyes start to roll, your mind has already wandered. You contemplate when it will be over, but you know that silence is a fast fleeting dream at this point.

It's sad for you. Since when did friends stop to exist and blogs become a place to put your feelings on display? You want everyone to know just how crappy you are feeling, so you post it online because you can get your words out more clearly, and of course, more can read it.

Is that how insecure I am? That I need people to read my every thought? I mean, obviously I don't put my every thought out there. I haven't been killed yet, so it's pretty apparent I have kept some things to myself.

But really? Yeah, I guess it's true. Every time I have felt that people are ignoring me, or just not understanding the poorly formed words that fall out of my mouth I proceed to type it out and post it on here for everyone.

If you don't like it, then you don't have to read it. That's what I always say....or think. However, perhaps I should be more thoughtful with what I post.

Maybe I should include more entertaining and pithy dialogue. I could talk about the witty banter had over a game of chess and a hot cup of coffee from this past weekend. Except there was none (there was coffee, but when is there not coffee? And why would you want to hear about that? So of course I am talking about the witty banter over chess). I could talk about the latest silly, cute, totally stupid thing, my super hot boyfriend did. Except....all of that would be fabricated and puke worthy.

So what should I write about? I don't do poems. I try not to do sermons. I like speaking my mind. But perhaps people are tired of hearing it.

I really shouldn't be so stuck on myself. That is about the worst witness. Being a selfish little pig.

So I hereby say, I'm gonna work on that.

And my apologies.

I shall finish this post with a short tale.

This is the tale of the Sleeping Sister.

She slept, and slept, and slept.

This sleeping sister slept at nighttime, when all of the best people snooze.

She was one of the most magnificent sleepers you'd ever see.

Brilliant really.

There was only one trick to her slumbering (oh, you're clever, you knew there'd be a trick)...

That hitch in her sleeping was this....

during the day, when she was not sleeping she was a terrific talker.

Do you see where this is going?

So she took that terrific talking to bed with her, and combined it with her sleeping.

So whenever anyone would enter the room to admire her slumber, she would begin to speak.

At first people were amazed. Then they were confused. Then they just got down right annoyed.

For you see, she never made sense. She would speak of cats, and of baking. She would carry on conversations in great detail about the quickest way to rid yourself of a muscadine rash.

She hardly ever said anything useful, she just ranted and snored.

This sleeping, speaking sister was quite a mystery to all who surveyed her.

She still is.

There is no conclusion.

Dust

Change.

No one likes it. Ok, you might, but normal people don't...usually.

Change.

Some is good, most is hard. For me anyways.

I have gotten to the point where I don't mind it as much though.

There are times when it starts so quickly that I don't notice till I am smack in the middle, then I look up and think "What the heck is going on?! I'm pretty sure that my head is about to explode, but I don't know why" .... God has been working on me, and I have started to appreciate the change. Just now though, I am in one of those seasons of change, my whole family is really. Let me just tell you, it is not feeling so great. It will pass, but anyone can see that none of us will be the same. I know that I have changed over the summer, and I am still in the process. I can see my Mom in her grief, my Dad in his stress, my sister in her anxiety. It scares me to watch, but it shouldn't.

I should be excited to see the outcome. I should, but am I?

My body dislikes me. We haven't been friends for 2 years now. Y'all who have read my blog in the past know this. It retains fluid randomly. And it stays chubby no matter what I do. Now I know that marshmallow me is super cute, but come on now, this is really getting obnoxious. So to the doctor I took myself, that is another thing I could worry about. I choose not to though. I get my blood work back this afternoon. I'm gonna try so hard to just not think about it, because it's no big deal anyway, right? Of course right.

I could worry about my car, but I like the nostalgia of driving that hunk of junk van around (psh). So I won't think about that either.

I could worry about applying to nursing school, but I can hear my Mom worrying about it now, so I won't even go there.

It may sound pathetic, but I have also been praying for my husband. I don't know who he is, and I don't know when God is going to have us meet, or if I have already met him, but I can feel myself becoming discontent again...and that is not ok with me.

I won't lie...I have been worrying about life after graduation. I'm praying about it though. That's what I am getting around to really.

I have had Philippians on the brain as of late, specifically Philippians 4:6-7 - 6 "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. "

I guess this post is kind of like a giant prayer request. Full of bad grammar and missing words. That's beside the point. My family needs prayer for our changing season...you know, so we won't keel over or start murdering each other....we want to make it out alive and not insane (no more than we already are anyway). Thanks.

Humidity

So here I sit. Yet again.

I want to cry.

No really, I do.

I want go home, but I never want to leave here.

Why is the world so huge?! Why did I come here and actually like people??

Oh, I am the most angsty, ridiculous person that ever walked the face of this earth.

I have also been reading much too much Jane Austen. I think she makes me dramatic.

Back to point. I left back in May, I left MS and AL to come to Gateshead England. I came through Mission to the World, and I really had no idea what I would be doing. I am pretty sure that no one had any idea what I would be doing. I came to be a service to the church, Gateshead Presbyterian. Let me tell you, the people of this church are amazing. They really are. I am not one to just make pointless compliments, I mean it. They are truly filled with Christ's love, and they showed me so much wonderful hospitality.

Once I got here, I started getting small opportunities to help out in different areas such as arts and crafts with the girls of the church, and some babysitting....

Then they invited me to come help the teachers at the Newcastle Christian School, needless to say, I loved it. Those children were the best behaved, sweetest kids. I am irritating myself with all this gushing, but I don't know what else to say.

I also got the chance to clean houses, prune gardens, and talk. Talking can be called a ministry, right? Well, maybe not, but I did get to talk. A.lot.

Recently I have been able to publicize for the Holiday Bible Club that will be held here in two weeks. I wish I could be here for it, and I pray that God will use in a powerful way in the community.

I really may just lose it on Sunday though. I saw some people for (possibly) the last time (that is an awful thing to type...) on Wednesday night (that would be last night, that's how the week works; Wednesday comes before Thursday, and Friday is after that), and I am surprised I didn't burst in to tears then. Really, I am way too emotional. However, I couldn't quite cry with statements like "Right, well if I don't see you in this life, then I'll see you in court" being made. And then being laughed at by the maker of said statement. How sad it shall be to leave British humour (see what I did there? with the spelling, I mean....yeah, I'm clever...I know how to spell stuff all Englishy). So let's hope I don't start crying till I get on the plane, and I have decided that I really have to come back right after graduation, if only for a few weeks.

I am seriously getting on my nerves.

Perhaps too much caffeine? No, it's too much Austen, she has ruined my writing, at least for a little while. Darn her.

I am going to stop now, before I really start to confuse people. I am not going back to see how many words I have left out of this post either. Nope, not gonna do it. I will just have to go through another day, get embarrassed, and fix it then. But not now.

Odd

I am not the most confident person in the world.

I mess stuff up and I am good at the messes I make.

This is not something I am proud of. The messes I make are sloppy. They are embarrassing. They are things I like to avoid.

So in most situations, such as conversations, activities, and life in general, I try very hard to proceed with caution.

This sometimes makes my conversations awkward, my activities bumpy, and my life squiggly.

Make sense? You see in proceeding with caution, I am still making mini messes.

So what is to be done with this sloppy, mess making girl?

I am in a new place. I came here not knowing a single person. This makes me even more cautious. As you well know, full blown Melissa is hardly ever a good idea.

I was given so much advice, and told what to do and not to do, that my movements became awkward to the point of ridiculous. I am used to living on the edge of ridiculous, but really that's just sad. And it is painful for people to watch.

So now I am attempting to be myself. I am being the girl God is constantly working on. I think that I am making less messes. My speech is becoming less stuttery. My thoughts still aren't always flowing in order...they jumble upon exit of my mouth, but I am improving. I hope.

I am still leaving words out of blog posts...

but no one is perfect.

The passage that I find most encouraging right now is 1 Corinthians 1:26-31

26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27 But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28 God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, 29 so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. 30 And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31 so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”

Well...there ya go....more rambley thoughts that don't really make sense. Ah well.

Rain

First off, thank you so much for the prayers. My Mamaw is in no more pain, and with Lord. I miss her an unbelievable amount, but I am so glad that she is no longer suffering.

Now, I would just like to update you on goings on....because my life is super important...and you should know all about it..........my conceit and pride are pets I have been training lately...ok...bad joke...moving on...

I have had the honour and pleasure of continuing to be able to help out at the Newcastle Christian school twice a week. I have been helping with questions and any sort of excess "paper work" that the teachers have not been able to get to. I have also been giving pointers to the upper class on there dramatic endeavours. It has all been very fun.

Along with doing artsy things with the girls at the Young People's meetings, which meets twice a month, I am trying to get a small Bible study started....maybe...let's pray that works out.

Also, I am helping organize this end of the Holiday Bible Club which will be held August 1st through the 5th (a week after I leave). First Pres in Jackson, MS will be sending a small team to run it, so I will be publicizing for it. Please keep this in your prayers, as it will be an amazing opportunity to reach out to the community.

Well, I suppose that's all for now....

These Tongues that Sing, there Must be Thousands. Make them Stronger, make them More.

Well, here I am.

In Gateshead, England.

Organizing crafts for this coming Young People's meeting, and thinking about the new things I will be doing tomorrow at Newcastle Christian School.

This church and these people are amazing, loving, filled with His love. My hope and prayer is to be of whatever service they need.

In America, across the ocean, and so far away from me are my family. We are in desperate need of prayers, for peace and understanding. My Mamaw has been battling cancer, and it seems that things are almost coming to a close for her in this world. I know that the land which awaits her is vast and glorious, and that she will be pain free and joyous. But right now, I can only feel guilt for not being there. I know that I couldn't do anything, but I still feel that I should be with my family. I also know that I should be here, God called me here, He placed my feet to tread this ground, but the pain of knowing that my family is going through this, that I am going through this...and we aren't together...it hurts. I also know that I am being selfish and prideful, thinking that if I could be there it would be better, and being so concerned with my feelings. So now my prayer is for peaceful and pain free life for my Mamaw. I thank you much for praying mainly for, and also my family at this time.

And I'm Away

So as many (ok all) of you know, I am going to England this summer on a missions internship through MTW (Mission to the World)...

I am not exactly what all the church (Gateshead Presbyterian) will be having me do, but I am looking forward to it.

That being said, I pretty much want to cry right now. I already have some. I know, I'm a baby. I chose to do this....I get it. But I just miss people so bad.

Also, I am scared. Scared that I won't get to my plane on time. Scared that people will not be helpful when I switch planes in France. I'm scared that I won't be a good representation of all that is expected of me. Just scared.

I know God has this. I know it. I have that knowledge. I just pray that I have the Faith not to worry about it.

I fly to Atlanta at 6:30 this morning, so I am going to bed soon. After a few days of training I will be flying to Newcastle.

I may not be contact for a while after that. I love and miss you all.

Obnoxious, Really.

I've skipped April entirely. It does need to be recognized. April 2011, you were the most stressful, tearful, irritating, horrible month I have yet to experience. Some good things happened. None of which I can remember. Do I sound bitter? Slightly annoyed? Good. Those were the tones I was meaning to give off. I have never had a month be so absolutely spiteful towards me. You'd have thought that I spit on it's mother. Well April, I did no such thing. You needn't act so offended, it's all your fault, and I would never spit on anyone's mother. Not even yours'. I do wish you had been a little kinder, it wasn't just me you were wrong to, it was plenty of my friends, and near the end there, it really got serious, and very personal. It was hurtful, and I know that I won't be getting an apology, but I really would like you to know that next year when we meet I expect you to be civil. I send no love your way, you are simply a month after all.

Missions Internship to Gateshead, England

So here's the deal...I am planning on going to England this summer through an internship with MTW (Mission to the World).

I am currently raising support so that I can actually go, this basically means I need money for travel, ministry supplies, and food. I have earned over half my support, but I now have about a month to earn $2,125.00. God has blessed me with friends and family that have helped me thus far, and if you see fit to help me out that would be awesome. Regardless of your financial support I would ask for your prayers as I prepare for this trip. Thank you all so much!

Please send your tax deductible gift to Mission to the World PO BOX 116284 Atlanta, GA 30368-6284. (Please include my account number: 11862)

You can donate by going to MTW's website and clicking on donations (I have directly linked it)...and typing in my account number: 11862

*****EDIT*****

I now need only $1,525.00!!

Please Don't Go Without Me

I like sitting here. I feel like someone I'm not, but it's a good sort of feeling.

At times like these I become ridiculously thankful for the German's. That sounds weird, but I swear this is the best coffee shop to sit in and read and type words onto screens. And it wouldn't be the same with out these sweet German ladies.

And let me just tell you about listening to The Civil Wars, The Avett Brothers, and Mumford & Sons, I mean...their all great. But that's just what I mean.

I don't feel like that's me.

I don't really know what "me" is, but it's not the Toms wearing, music-snobbing, coffee drinking, artist thinking, book reading person that is sitting on this leather couch. Those are all the things that I know about myself. But that's not me.....is it?

This is why people don't like me, I wouldn't like me either. I am always pondering what makes up the self.

I know that statistically it's probably my parents fault that I don't know science so well, since I'm not a boy.

I know that observationally speaking most women are territorial over parking spaces they are leaving.

I know that technically speaking I have no money for England, but that if I work hard, and keep praying, that I will make it there.

I know that this summer I will be getting to share so much about the God who saved me, and I will be meeting so many new people, and doing so many new things. I know that I am sitting here scared.

Let me tell you something sad and ridiculous. Something which will not surprise you and you may have heard it before.

I've fractured my foot, and I have been marching around campus like a limping toy soldier in a very silly boot. I just about dove off the bus earlier too. The ground looks so much further away when you're trying to figure out just how to reach. And then on the stairs, my nose decided that it would really like to meet that second one from the top. I had to stop her you, she's already pretty squished and getting involved with someone like that stair fellow was really going to get her in trouble.

Also, I think that my true calling is to sneak into people's houses and bake them muffins and make them coffee in the morning, and then leave before I get sat on. But you know I think it would be fun to be the traveling muffin maker. I know it would be fun.

Support Letter

Dear Friends and Family,

As my college career slowly comes to an end, I have had a calling to overseas missions. I have been praying and asking for the Lord’s direction in this matter. I know that I am to share Christ’s merciful and unfailing love with everyone around me. However, I felt especially led towards a ministry with children and teens. I am excited to say that I have been given the opportunity to serve as an intern with Mission to the World to do just that. This internship is to Gateshead Presbyterian Church in Gateshead, England from the end of May to the end of July.

I have had the opportunity to work with youth groups in the past, locally and on mission’s trips. I normally lead a small group for the girls, and we study God’s word while getting to know one another. I have been given the chance to do something very similar to this while in Gateshead. I will be getting to know the girls whom attend Gateshead Presbyterian; we will discuss Scripture, and put our hands to work. I will be encouraging their endeavors with arts and crafts, and exploring the Bible further. I am blessed to be able to do this, and I would like to ask for your support through prayer.

During this time I will need constant prayer, for the girls, the church I will be going to, and for myself. I ask that you consider praying for me as I prepare to make this trip. I want to do what is God’s will, and I pray that God would prepare the hearts of the girls with whom I will be in contact.

I will also be raising support so that I will be able to go England and live there for two months. MTW is estimating that I will need about $7,000; this includes travel, lodging, food and ministry supplies. I cannot do this on my own, and I hope that you will prayerfully consider supporting me by becoming a part of my team both prayerfully and financially. Attached is a pledge form. Please send your tax deductible gift to Mission to the World PO BOX 116284 Atlanta, GA 30368-6284. I am so happy to have this opportunity and be able to share it with you. I hope that you will consider supporting this ministry in any way you can. I look forward to hearing from you soon!

In Christ,

Melissa Duncan

You can donate by going to MTW's website and clicking on donations (I have directly linked it)...and typing in my account number: 11862

Bragging Rights are for the Silly People

I just have to say that feeling accomplished is not a feeling I have very often. As I often say, I have been keeping it average since 1989. I don't try to out do myself. Just get by, and no one will be disappointed. This may sound sad to you, but I have been entirely happy for...all of my life. Some people would say too happy at times. I think those people are ridiculous, in a very rude way.

Let me just tell you though, I have been on top of it. By it, I mean life. Yeah, I have been on top of life. I mean, obviously I couldn't get any of what I have done, done without constantly praying. I must give credit where credit is due. And if I am going to do that, I really have to give credit to my family and friends for being so awfully kind, understanding, encouraging, and ever so slightly rude to me. Have you ever noticed that when people are rude with some love...it gets things done? Or at least it does in my world.

Lemme just tell you about the things I have been doing: Got the Internship to Gateshead Presbyterian, applied for my passport, got a planner (and listed, AND am actually using the planner and the lists - I almost don't know what to do with myself), started a new Bible study, ordered my text books (well, all but one - I don't feel like paying $70.00 for a book, ironically enough it is for my Psychology of Learning class), ordered fun books (I haven't done that in a very long time), got taught how to knit by Bekah (and I must say, it's rather fun), I made my little sister some of Joy the Baker's Shrimp and Grits, they were pretty dang delicious, if I do say so myself. I also made her my own recipe of some AMAZING Tiramisu. I don't mind bragging when I know it really was that good. And to top it all off, I just ordered my ticket to see The Civil Wars .

I also feel pretty cool for linking all of those things. I know you probably won't click them, but I was cool enough to do it.

Now to go pay my car insurance and get an inspection ticker. I am just too goal oriented for words...today. I don't promise this for the rest of my life....remember the average thing from above. I actually like that reputation.

Oh, and this is the second time this month that I have updated my blog. WHOO! Be proud, my friends!!

Cobbler Nights

Well, I’ve done it again. I know, it’s horrible. I really should consider looking before I step, especially when it is dark outside. Now I am sitting here with a swollen foot. Had I not been carrying a huge blanket, I may have been able to catch myself with something other than my knee and right foot. But seeing as I cannot change what has already been done, I suppose that I can sit here and catch up on my online shopping. Or perhaps I could read a book, but since my online shopping consists of me looking for new and exciting books, I suppose that I must find something else to do. Judy Garland is rather tempting me into watching one of her more famous films, in which she follows a Yellow Brick Road to find herself a wizard. However, I just don’t feel like doing those things. I should be purchasing my textbooks, and I really could use a new notebook or two, and pens. I think that I could even attempt to hobble out to my car to get my planner, that way I could plan out each day of my life until May. I am so nervous about May. I don’t know if you know yet (how silly of me, of course you do, but I am still going to say it), but I am going to Gateshead, England in May, to intern at a Presbyterian church there. I don’t know anything. I have no idea where I am going to live, how much money I will need, and I never have taken the time to learn their measurement system. I feel like vomiting.

For now though, just for now, I sit in contentment, listening to The Chronicles of Narnia radio drama and sipping Earl Grey, and wasting time playing some ridiculous game of cards on my computer. I am a professional Time-Waster, really I am.