Stream

People are so strange. The way they think and talk and participate in life.

Most of the time I think I'd rather not even deal with them.

I am obviously not a person.

I have decided that I am taking a break from the whole human race. I'll be something else. Something less bothersome.

People as a large group irritate the ever living mess out of me. I have no patience for them.

People on an individual level though, I like those. I like to watch and listen. I like to hear their different thoughts and opinions. If I know the individual well enough then I offer my own thoughts. If those individuals find me agreeable then a friendship is formed.

Simple.

Not really.

Who ever said that any human relationship was ever simple? Hopefully no one, and if someone did then that poor imbecile may need a hug and a nap and a dose of reality.

So do I want to have people around or not? Do I want to develop relationships? Do I want to learn how to communicate with each different one?

Sure. Maybe. I don't know. I like certain aspects of every person I know. Then I start thinking about how ridiculous people can be. They get their feelings hurt. They have allergies to food you like. They say horrible things. Then I sit back. I try and put things in perspective. If I avoided people then I would be 10 kinds of miserable. I need people.

I need to have people talk to me, I need people to need me.

I feel like Nanny McPhee, "There is something you should understand about the way I work. When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go. It's rather sad, really, but there it is."

My emotions get invested so deeply in those I am around, I think..."what would my emotions do if I didn't have people....my emotions would murder me". So it's selfish, and I'm ridiculous. I guess that I am just going to have to figure out some sort of balance with these people things.


I've never been good with balance. I'm very clumsy.

Helium

Sometimes I like to sit in the corner and think about how I ended up there.

I am doing that right now.

I am thinking about how exactly I ended up in this mauve colored room, sharing a living space with my younger sister.

I don't mind it.

I did, but I don't anymore.
Not for the moment anyway.

My life isn't special or unique. It could be considered boring by many people's standards. That's OK. I find it comical, really.

At the ripe old age of 18 I decided that I needed to move out of my parent's house. So I did.

Now, at the age of 22, with a college degree under my belt; I am back in my parent's house. Temporarily. Until I figure out what the heck I am supposed to be doing.

What am I supposed to be doing?

That is the question that I am always asking. All the way through college. All of the time. I always ask that stupid question. Guess what though...I still don't have the answer.

I know that small town Mississippi is not where I am supposed to stay. It could be, but I doubt it. If it isn't though, where then? I say TN because I love that state.

If I were to be very honest I would tell you that I always assumed I would be married and starting a family around this time in my life.
Barefoot and pregnant. Baking things. Knitting. That's all I really wanted. Society keeps frowning upon my grand plans though. Society keeps telling me that I am a woman, that I have a degree, that I should be doing something more with myself.

I just want to make people things. If I cannot have my happy little family then I want to make people things. I like doing that. I guess that's why I've always been happy in a coffee shop. Coffee makes people happy. I like making people happy. Therefore I like making people coffee. And baked goods. And if one more person informs me that I should be doing something bigger and better with my life, I probably won't say anything. However, when they have left my presence I will most likely scream.

God has me where He wants me. I don't know why He wants me here, but He does. I've been praying a lot about the people I am around and plans for the future. I've been praying about missions and about moving. Life makes me nervous when I start looking at the big picture. So I try and keep my focus on days and weeks, not months and years. Relationships are what make up my life. I know that isn't a new idea. My relationships with family and friends shape my everyday. My relationship with Christ should also be shaping my everyday, but I keep slipping. I keep getting so distracted. If I really want a healthy relationship with anyone I must keep in communication with them, so why have I slacked off? Because I am lazy. That's why. I need to fix this. I know I do.

So there it is. So many words, poorly placed together to offer some insight into the brain of Melissa Joy Duncan at 11pm. I feel like I am peddling backwards down a small hill.
Grow up.
Grow down.
Grow very round.
Be a kid.
Be mature.
Choices.
Life is all about choices.