This noise all around me almost broke the mirror

I am an unstable person.
That's scary. Why am I in the field that I am in when I am so unstable? I had it pointed out to me that I snap. I just get mad. I express my anger in an unhealthy way. It hurts so bad to hear that. I want to be angry sometimes, but that is unhealthy too. I don't ever need to be mad. Or if I do get mad, I don't need to share it...because that is when I yell. When people don't understand what I am saying or they don't understand what I am saying, I guess that I think...maybe if I say it louder, or with more passion, they might understand me. wrong. That's just me not understanding why I shouldn't be mad. People deal with me all funny. They try and tell me why I shouldn't be mad...and then I think "oh, they still don't get why I'm mad...lemme explain one more time". but guess what? That's when I get "dramatic".

Drama Queen. Do you really wanna hurt me? Call me that. "Drama Queen" means that I can't justify my actions..."drama queen" is the justification. I want to be alowd to be mad sometimes.

I am nice to people all day everyday...people who don't give a shit for me. They are are nice or they are rude...it really doesn't matter. They are people. If I'm not at my job than I am in class...you can't just talk to some random classmate about your frustrations. That would be desperate and sad.

But what's desperate and sad is when you get upset over something small. Something that hurt you feelings...or a small disagreement. Something that is just icing on the cake...or the straw that broke the camel's back. Whatever it is..it just takes your stress and your frustrations and it just opens the floodgate. You get upset. but the really screwed up thing? when You try and explain yourself to someone you hope will listen, nothing comes out right. Words don't fit into correct sentences. Then the people who you love and trust most know what's wrong. You are unstable. and a drama queen. the end.

I hurt so bad right now.
I am entirely ridiculous. God wants me to tell Him about it...I do. This is going to sound horrible, but all I really want to hear is someone telling me they get why I'm mad....that it's ok to be mad...to get it all out.Just listen.
but that would just encourage me, wouldn't it?

I am sorry.

Pray for me.

please.

I want to be normal.

My feet look like your ears.

My sister told me that she had to take me off her blog list...because I am inappropiate. It's cool though, 'cause she still loves me.

I'm thinking about changing my major.....to Special Education, but I just don't know...........

Yesterday I went out for all of half an hour without makeup on, worst decision of the day. I got a lecture on my looks from old lady, it was meant to be encouraging....I think, but it wasn't.

I really wanted to write something, but nothing is coming to me. Just stories that are of no importance.

so, I could try to make something up.
It could be about a girl. Or boy. or Fish.

let's go with fish and see how this works out.

Once upon a time there was a fish that lived in a bowl. He was a captive....if he had had things his was, he would be in a pond in some far off place. He was a thoughtful sort of fish....although he figured that's all he really could be...there wasn't much else to do, but...think.
He thought about his owner...he thought she was odd. Sometimes she would forget to feed him, sometimes she would drop things that weren't food into his bowl....and she named him ridiculous names....she seemed to change it about once a month. He disliked her.


ok. that's no working. I'll try and think of something later, but for now I need to go call me niece.

Your palms are swollen. I will never love you. Now. JUMP.

about three months ago I sat here. Typing up a ridiculous paper on Sweeney Todd. I noticed while I was typing that the veins in my hands were very noticeable. I don't like to notice my veins. this means my hands were swollen....they are swollen in the exact same way....again. as are my feet...and ankles. ew.

But really mattandkim are an inspiration to write. Some days i wish i had the nerve to strip down to nothing in public. and not be viewed as whore, but really viewed as artistic. That'll never happen, but that's what I wish most days.

I like dancing. in the dark. in the light. in the shower. in the nude. in the middle of betty drive while it's dark, with a flashlight, while it rains, in the nude. but not really...only partially....ok a bathrobe.

what about change? i hate it. Who doesn't? don't lie. I mean of course change is good most of the time, but being pushed out of one's comfort zone is never fun. (that's why they call it a "comfort zone"....um.duh.) I dislike smelling as if a coffee grinder just exploded on me, but at the same time I am going to really and truly miss the syrup splatters that are on my barista wall, yes, the ones that shouldn't be there. I hate it, but i'm excited. I hate leaving my family, friends, and enemies ('cause admit it, they are fun to dislike.....just admit it). I will miss the annoying couples...the coworkers I can officially call friends and the other people who will be moving further away. It hurts to think about it all. And if I weren't listening to such techno-pop-move music I could cry. but enough about me.....even though I am one of my favorite subjects. ok one more thing. I hope my fish can come with me. that would make things easier......or so I am telling myself.

I have decided to try not to rant for a little while....which probably won't last long, but I will try.

the idea of furry monsters makes me smile. Like "hungry" or "the wild things". i would like to be friends with them. I would like to run around like a crazy, artsy sort of person, but that just doesn't seem to fit me. I wish I fit somewhere perfectly. Actually I do, but it isn't any sort of a stereotype (unless you can think of one, please lay it on me...I'm not saying I am too good for a stereotype, I'm just saying I haven't found one yet). I sit perfectly in His hands....and I'm overjoyed by the fact that He won't drop me, He won't change. I hope I don't forget this feeling. This state of mind. This part of me. that would be the biggest tragedy. I know why I am here. I know the meaning of my existence. but I doing a horribly sloppy job of it.

Let me take you on a walk. One that will make you happy and sad and irritated. it is a walk through trees. the kind with leaves an roots. It's a walk in misty weather....where it is light until the moon takes over. It is the kind of walk that you realize how small you are. The kind that makes you feel insignificant in the grand plan. It is the kind of walk where you realize why things happen, such as death, birth, and dreams. It is the walk that you find out that you will never accomplish everything you want to. It is the kind of walk that makes you want to run so fast that you collapse in to a heap of heaving tearful sobs. The kind of walk that makes you pick yourself up and shake yourself for being so silly, small, and selfish. Keep walking. Because it makes you feel good. worthless. life-changing. partially alive. and isn't that what we hope to find? Life? I've found it. I have. I want to stay in this place. this forest. this wood. this walk.


I quit.

my apologies for leading you on.

I suppose it feels good to be a gangster

Caffeine is pulsing through me. I feel jittery.

The thoughts in my head chase one another around until I am completely confused. I couldn’t tell Mr. Todd apart from my neighbor at this point.

I get too easily upset, but to be fair my body and I aren’t getting along at the moment. And when you don’t get along with your body…bad things happen.

I probably need to be feeding it on a regular basis...and let it sleep more…. possibly take it on a few more walks, and perhaps stop letting it eat zebra cakes. Oh dear body, just wait till summer…maybe I will take care of you then.

My mind is a whole different matter. It treats me like this just to get a laugh out of people. It would do that, you know. It’s very spiteful.

EMCC, I am nearly through with you

Two years have you tortured me. Two years have you made my school life so very unpleasant. But I have learned. I have learned much.

I have learned that getting to know your teacher just well enough to kiss up in the perfect way is invaluable.

I have learned that making nothing sound intelligent is a skill that takes time to be mastered.

I have learned that giving your number to scary boys to make them go away is a bad decision, which results in having to change ones phone number.

I have learned that some boys are stupid to the point of needing to be shot…in the knee of course, we’ll not go so far as murder.yet.

I have learned things that have grossed me out and made me question humanity.

I have learned that I know more than my Western Civ. Teacher…oh Mr. C. to be rid of you will be a shining day open my history. I have learned that you, Mr. C., are a douche bag…and not the good kind.

I have learned that I love psychology and sociology….and that’s why I’m going into something business related.

Hello mister sunshine.

I can smell summer when I drive now. I am listening to more country, which is a sure sign that summer is approaching.

However I have run across some songs that disagree with my stomach. Such as the BS one about a flower. He sounds like a real loser. Let me pick it apart for a moment.

red roadside wild flower if I'd only picked you
Took you home set you on the counter
Oh, at least a time or two
Maybe she'd thought it through.

-um no. do really think that that is going to work? You didn’t hold her when she was upset? You didn’t watch the sunset with her? You didn’t attempt at making her laugh? Really? What did you do? You are selfish. You got that right. And no one likes you. Sometimes the truth hurts, man in the song, sometimes it hurts.

I do hope at times that I make the right decisions

But I try to pray about everything that I do…so that should beat off my worries of making the decision.

I trip a lot though. Mentally, spiritually, physically.

And I am still awake. Which means something is wrong.

I can fall asleep anywhere, no matter what….until now…and that one time…on the couch that was a foot too small.

8 o’clock class, how I love thee, let me count the ways.

I am reminded of my child hood. When I sat at the edge of a pond. It was sunny. I had very blonde hair…which was very long.

I need a haircut. With the mindset I am in I will probably go find some scissors and get to choppin’. Let’s pray I fall asleep first.

I wish I could get my degree in redneck studies, Dad. No joke. I hope that my cap doesn’t really upset you either, cause contrary to popular belief, I don’t like to upset you.

I skipped supper again. Stupid.

Time to wash my face, brush my teeth…and get up in……..4 hours……

Work is gonna rock tomorrow. Rock harder than Ozzy at a Spears concert.

But here’s something else I wonder about: pickle jars. And bird houses. And when the empty jar will get returned…and then filled with birdseed. And sometimes I wonder if cab drivers will let you leave your birdhouse in their cab until they come back and pick you up.because they should..so it will freakin be out of my line of vision.

Working with people has made me rude. I should probably have a job where I just work with paper and cardboard boxes.

There is a toad sitting in a jar on my table. I hate toads. Ever since I stepped out of my car with bare feet that one summer night…and the sole of my foot hit the back of the toad…and it made that noise…and I screamed..and had to wash guts off my foot…I have hated them. Why the freak is it on my table?

Goodnight.

You are bleeding on my good day, would you please wrap that up and leave.

I have decided to share some shtuff with you...as I sit here with my full bladder and my racing mind.

Here is a dictionary of some coffee terms you may want to familiarize yourself with (these are in Melissa speak..so please bear with me).

Latte: Espresso, lots of steamed milk topped off with some foam (add flavor...it's yum)

Cappuccino: ( you probably won't like this, but I could be wrong) espresso, a wee bit o' steamed milk, and a great lot o' foam. (do NOT complain to me about your drink not having enough milk in it. I will laugh at you. Besides, I probably tried to explain it to you at the cash register.)

Mocha: Espresso, steamed milk, chocolate, whipped cream (it comes in the white variety as well)

Iced lattes and mochas are NOT the same as FROZEN. Iced is OVER ICE. Frozen is BLENDED. duh

Americano: Espresso and hot water (iced is very good..to me)

Espresso: Very concentrated coffee. It's strong. It's small. IT'S MAGNIFICENT. 

Coffee: If you don't know what this is, please go to subway.

------- I truly don't mind if you don't know what you want when you come in...I don't mind if you don't know what these drinks are (except for coffee...get a life and then come back to see me), but do NOT get mad at me for giving you what you ORDERED. 

I am a patient person. I am. 

By the way...I wrote an ode to the loaded baked potato that my boss brought me tonight. It was that good. However Laura said I sounded like I was on drugs...so perhaps I will just keep it to myself. 

goodnight.

today, I lied.

I scrobbled on some paper for a speech today. I didn't admit to doing it, in fact I told the class that two other people scribbled it for me.

I won. Apparently if you are REALLY nice the toilet seat gets put back down.

I made a 94 on the speech in which I lied.

This weekend is going to be the be AMAZING. No, I mean REALLY AMAZING. No work!!! Crawfish boil!!!

Friday sucked major, by the way.

I would like to find a job that is not in customer service. also I wish that society and culture would butt out of my life.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE is gonna be such a good movie.

I am kind of in love with this guy.







gotta go to western civ. 2. poop.

HEY! What are you doing to my cat?!

.........
Good morning, school.

First day back from spring break. The alarm doesn't go off so I missed my first class. Second class got cancelled. Here I sit waiting on the third and final class for today....

Some days I wish that I had a totally different life and personality.
Some days I love who I am completely.

Spring break was AWESOME. I didn't really go anywhere....except for Tuscaloosa, but still being totally free of school makes me ridiculously happy.

So what did I do with myself, you may ask. Good question!! I watched an unhealthy amount of movies, went out to eat, worked, went to thrift stores (NOT BY MY CHOICE. This sort of thing is popular with mothers of large families who enjoy things such as "bargins" aka other people's stuff....that is gross. None the less I had a good time.), made cake, looked at chickens, watched tv, and made a sloth of myself.

More. to, post. soon. but. the. creative. juices. refuse. to. flow. so. I'm. off.