Your palms are swollen. I will never love you. Now. JUMP.

about three months ago I sat here. Typing up a ridiculous paper on Sweeney Todd. I noticed while I was typing that the veins in my hands were very noticeable. I don't like to notice my veins. this means my hands were swollen....they are swollen in the exact same way....again. as are my feet...and ankles. ew.

But really mattandkim are an inspiration to write. Some days i wish i had the nerve to strip down to nothing in public. and not be viewed as whore, but really viewed as artistic. That'll never happen, but that's what I wish most days.

I like dancing. in the dark. in the light. in the shower. in the nude. in the middle of betty drive while it's dark, with a flashlight, while it rains, in the nude. but not really...only partially....ok a bathrobe.

what about change? i hate it. Who doesn't? don't lie. I mean of course change is good most of the time, but being pushed out of one's comfort zone is never fun. (that's why they call it a "comfort zone"....um.duh.) I dislike smelling as if a coffee grinder just exploded on me, but at the same time I am going to really and truly miss the syrup splatters that are on my barista wall, yes, the ones that shouldn't be there. I hate it, but i'm excited. I hate leaving my family, friends, and enemies ('cause admit it, they are fun to dislike.....just admit it). I will miss the annoying couples...the coworkers I can officially call friends and the other people who will be moving further away. It hurts to think about it all. And if I weren't listening to such techno-pop-move music I could cry. but enough about me.....even though I am one of my favorite subjects. ok one more thing. I hope my fish can come with me. that would make things easier......or so I am telling myself.

I have decided to try not to rant for a little while....which probably won't last long, but I will try.

the idea of furry monsters makes me smile. Like "hungry" or "the wild things". i would like to be friends with them. I would like to run around like a crazy, artsy sort of person, but that just doesn't seem to fit me. I wish I fit somewhere perfectly. Actually I do, but it isn't any sort of a stereotype (unless you can think of one, please lay it on me...I'm not saying I am too good for a stereotype, I'm just saying I haven't found one yet). I sit perfectly in His hands....and I'm overjoyed by the fact that He won't drop me, He won't change. I hope I don't forget this feeling. This state of mind. This part of me. that would be the biggest tragedy. I know why I am here. I know the meaning of my existence. but I doing a horribly sloppy job of it.

Let me take you on a walk. One that will make you happy and sad and irritated. it is a walk through trees. the kind with leaves an roots. It's a walk in misty weather....where it is light until the moon takes over. It is the kind of walk that you realize how small you are. The kind that makes you feel insignificant in the grand plan. It is the kind of walk where you realize why things happen, such as death, birth, and dreams. It is the walk that you find out that you will never accomplish everything you want to. It is the kind of walk that makes you want to run so fast that you collapse in to a heap of heaving tearful sobs. The kind of walk that makes you pick yourself up and shake yourself for being so silly, small, and selfish. Keep walking. Because it makes you feel good. worthless. life-changing. partially alive. and isn't that what we hope to find? Life? I've found it. I have. I want to stay in this place. this forest. this wood. this walk.


I quit.

my apologies for leading you on.

I suppose it feels good to be a gangster

Caffeine is pulsing through me. I feel jittery.

The thoughts in my head chase one another around until I am completely confused. I couldn’t tell Mr. Todd apart from my neighbor at this point.

I get too easily upset, but to be fair my body and I aren’t getting along at the moment. And when you don’t get along with your body…bad things happen.

I probably need to be feeding it on a regular basis...and let it sleep more…. possibly take it on a few more walks, and perhaps stop letting it eat zebra cakes. Oh dear body, just wait till summer…maybe I will take care of you then.

My mind is a whole different matter. It treats me like this just to get a laugh out of people. It would do that, you know. It’s very spiteful.

EMCC, I am nearly through with you

Two years have you tortured me. Two years have you made my school life so very unpleasant. But I have learned. I have learned much.

I have learned that getting to know your teacher just well enough to kiss up in the perfect way is invaluable.

I have learned that making nothing sound intelligent is a skill that takes time to be mastered.

I have learned that giving your number to scary boys to make them go away is a bad decision, which results in having to change ones phone number.

I have learned that some boys are stupid to the point of needing to be shot…in the knee of course, we’ll not go so far as murder.yet.

I have learned things that have grossed me out and made me question humanity.

I have learned that I know more than my Western Civ. Teacher…oh Mr. C. to be rid of you will be a shining day open my history. I have learned that you, Mr. C., are a douche bag…and not the good kind.

I have learned that I love psychology and sociology….and that’s why I’m going into something business related.

Hello mister sunshine.

I can smell summer when I drive now. I am listening to more country, which is a sure sign that summer is approaching.

However I have run across some songs that disagree with my stomach. Such as the BS one about a flower. He sounds like a real loser. Let me pick it apart for a moment.

red roadside wild flower if I'd only picked you
Took you home set you on the counter
Oh, at least a time or two
Maybe she'd thought it through.

-um no. do really think that that is going to work? You didn’t hold her when she was upset? You didn’t watch the sunset with her? You didn’t attempt at making her laugh? Really? What did you do? You are selfish. You got that right. And no one likes you. Sometimes the truth hurts, man in the song, sometimes it hurts.

I do hope at times that I make the right decisions

But I try to pray about everything that I do…so that should beat off my worries of making the decision.

I trip a lot though. Mentally, spiritually, physically.

And I am still awake. Which means something is wrong.

I can fall asleep anywhere, no matter what….until now…and that one time…on the couch that was a foot too small.

8 o’clock class, how I love thee, let me count the ways.

I am reminded of my child hood. When I sat at the edge of a pond. It was sunny. I had very blonde hair…which was very long.

I need a haircut. With the mindset I am in I will probably go find some scissors and get to choppin’. Let’s pray I fall asleep first.

I wish I could get my degree in redneck studies, Dad. No joke. I hope that my cap doesn’t really upset you either, cause contrary to popular belief, I don’t like to upset you.

I skipped supper again. Stupid.

Time to wash my face, brush my teeth…and get up in……..4 hours……

Work is gonna rock tomorrow. Rock harder than Ozzy at a Spears concert.

But here’s something else I wonder about: pickle jars. And bird houses. And when the empty jar will get returned…and then filled with birdseed. And sometimes I wonder if cab drivers will let you leave your birdhouse in their cab until they come back and pick you up.because they should..so it will freakin be out of my line of vision.

Working with people has made me rude. I should probably have a job where I just work with paper and cardboard boxes.

There is a toad sitting in a jar on my table. I hate toads. Ever since I stepped out of my car with bare feet that one summer night…and the sole of my foot hit the back of the toad…and it made that noise…and I screamed..and had to wash guts off my foot…I have hated them. Why the freak is it on my table?

Goodnight.

You are bleeding on my good day, would you please wrap that up and leave.

I have decided to share some shtuff with you...as I sit here with my full bladder and my racing mind.

Here is a dictionary of some coffee terms you may want to familiarize yourself with (these are in Melissa speak..so please bear with me).

Latte: Espresso, lots of steamed milk topped off with some foam (add flavor...it's yum)

Cappuccino: ( you probably won't like this, but I could be wrong) espresso, a wee bit o' steamed milk, and a great lot o' foam. (do NOT complain to me about your drink not having enough milk in it. I will laugh at you. Besides, I probably tried to explain it to you at the cash register.)

Mocha: Espresso, steamed milk, chocolate, whipped cream (it comes in the white variety as well)

Iced lattes and mochas are NOT the same as FROZEN. Iced is OVER ICE. Frozen is BLENDED. duh

Americano: Espresso and hot water (iced is very good..to me)

Espresso: Very concentrated coffee. It's strong. It's small. IT'S MAGNIFICENT. 

Coffee: If you don't know what this is, please go to subway.

------- I truly don't mind if you don't know what you want when you come in...I don't mind if you don't know what these drinks are (except for coffee...get a life and then come back to see me), but do NOT get mad at me for giving you what you ORDERED. 

I am a patient person. I am. 

By the way...I wrote an ode to the loaded baked potato that my boss brought me tonight. It was that good. However Laura said I sounded like I was on drugs...so perhaps I will just keep it to myself. 

goodnight.

today, I lied.

I scrobbled on some paper for a speech today. I didn't admit to doing it, in fact I told the class that two other people scribbled it for me.

I won. Apparently if you are REALLY nice the toilet seat gets put back down.

I made a 94 on the speech in which I lied.

This weekend is going to be the be AMAZING. No, I mean REALLY AMAZING. No work!!! Crawfish boil!!!

Friday sucked major, by the way.

I would like to find a job that is not in customer service. also I wish that society and culture would butt out of my life.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE is gonna be such a good movie.

I am kind of in love with this guy.







gotta go to western civ. 2. poop.

HEY! What are you doing to my cat?!

.........
Good morning, school.

First day back from spring break. The alarm doesn't go off so I missed my first class. Second class got cancelled. Here I sit waiting on the third and final class for today....

Some days I wish that I had a totally different life and personality.
Some days I love who I am completely.

Spring break was AWESOME. I didn't really go anywhere....except for Tuscaloosa, but still being totally free of school makes me ridiculously happy.

So what did I do with myself, you may ask. Good question!! I watched an unhealthy amount of movies, went out to eat, worked, went to thrift stores (NOT BY MY CHOICE. This sort of thing is popular with mothers of large families who enjoy things such as "bargins" aka other people's stuff....that is gross. None the less I had a good time.), made cake, looked at chickens, watched tv, and made a sloth of myself.

More. to, post. soon. but. the. creative. juices. refuse. to. flow. so. I'm. off.

I'm gonna talk dirrty to ya (yeah, I used the double 'r')

Few people have inspired me to write in a very long time. Normally I write out of silly teenage angst...or something similar. Today however, I am dedicating this blog to two very special people.

As a female I feel that toilet seats should remain down at all times. 

The only time it should be up while I am in the bathroom is if I am cleaning it...and then I put it up...and back down.

I have a deep hatred for touching toilet seats. Truly, I do. 

Look fellas, we ladies put up with a whole lot. Or at least I do. I can up with you making fun of me. I can handle the fact that you make me feel oogy sometimes, I can take your corny jokes...I can even put up with your quips about my untonedness (new word anyone?) but I REALLY, REALLY cannot put up with you leaving the toilet seat up.

Let me tell you a little story. This story is about a girl who drank a whole lot of sweet tea ('cause she's from the south) and whole lot of water ('cause she pretends she can be healthy). This girl didn't relieve her self for a while....we're talkin' like 8 hours. The girl finally decided that she needed to pee. So she ran to the restroom...and FELL IN THE FRIGGIN TOILET!!

Let me tell you another little story. This story is about the same girl. She went to bed as humans usually do....and woke up to find that she really had to urinate....so she got up...didn't bother to turn on the lights...and FELL IN THE TOILET.

Needless to say this chick was highly pissed off both times. Two dear men did this to her. Left the toilet seat up, I mean, two different times, in two different houses.

Speaking about a traditional home, the male gathers the food, the female cooks the food, cleans the house, and has the children. Honestly I am not saying that my job is any harder than the man's, but isn't he supposed to be a gentleman? If I ask real nice for you put the toilet seat down, why won't you??

I hereby make a solemn vow that I will be incredibly sweet and nice to you, if you will but leave the toilet seat down. I will not even make a comment on the stench of the bathroom after you exit, if you will just put the toilet seat down.

 I love you, but i will live up to the reputation I have gathered if you continue to inflict this pain upon me.

I am capable of you're worst fears. 

Here stands your warning.

talent is for silly beings.

I have had a week of days.

Days that are all the same.

I work in a place that makes me fat. I will get fired when I cannot fit behind the counter anymore. Than I will never get married because of my weight, but I will write a book about that. Hopefully it will sell millions and I will get to be on Oprah. 

I was doing so well today....but there was red velvet cake at work.

Sometimes I have very odd thought patterns. I took the pump out of an almost empty chocolate container and drizzled the chocolate all over the bottom of the sink. I thought that it would be pretty. it was. 

I wish that sometimes I knew things.