How Odd You Are

Here we have it. I have ignored this poor little page for a month. I feel almost guilty.

I wish that I could tell you that I have simply been too busy, or that I have been feeding chickens for the entire time, but those things are not true. So I shan't lie...yet.

I have been carrying home the distinct odor of coffee every afternoon.

I have been trying and failing at working out.

I have made a penis cake that looked nothing like a penis.

I have been saving my tips in a mason jar.

I have been treated as if I am still 12, and I am still being treated as such.

I have managed to irritate every single person I have been around in the time span of an hour.

I have eaten two cheddar jalapeño bagels. One with butter, the other with cream cheese. It is better with cream cheese.

I have managed to kill my more vehicle.

I have gotten my hair cut.

I have played football.

I have jammed my finger.

I have bruised my leg.

I have begun to reread an old book.

I have gotten a new trackball for my phone.

I have washed clothes.

I have cried.

I have yelled.

I have laughed.

I have danced.

I have had obscene amounts of coffee.

I have plucked.

I have collected 76 beer bottle caps for my friend to make an artsy thing with.

I have wanted to sleep more.

I promise I will post something interesting soon.

Spinning in Circles - Headaches in Large Scoops

It's funny, you know? That song by Jason Mraz, the one about coyotes or something like that.

I feel sweet solitude on the 4th floors of libraries, and I have a deep love for corners and hazelnut coffee.

I have a book to read, one that I will actually enjoy.

I have two group projects, 3 major papers, and two minor ones. All due this week.

I will sacrifice my social life for a week, it will hurt, but I can tell that summer is coming. I take comfort in having this knowledge in my arsenal of happy things.

I have decided that loving people you don't know is an easy thing to do, so I should probably do that, and just decide to never meet them.

I have a summer job.

I need to apply for a fall one.

I have an apartment.

I need to get tanned.

I need to sweet talk a few more people.

I need to convince someone of the male gender that I am not as scary or weird as they would have first assumed.

I need to let that male know that I bake. I've heard that works.

Oh. Oh, Hi. I Wish that You Would Leave Me Alone.

I really am irritated with myself. I wish that I wasn't. I hate that I cannot get over certain things. I hate that I have prayed about it and thought about other things, and still can't seem to stop. I have thought about rocks, I have thought about cooking, I have thought about blankets, music, cars, trucks, exercise, Poe, clothes, coffee, television, jumping jacks, swing sets, Irish drinking songs, the river, boats, hot pink nail polish, twirling, skirts, and shoes. I have purposefully omitted school because while I do think about it, it is irrelevant to my life.

This could be such a potentially embarrassing post, but seeing as I am an idiot, and seeing as how no one reads this, and seeing as how I am down right angry with myself, and seeing as how I don't know when it will change, and seeing as how I know I am pathetic, and seeing as how I know that I sound scary obsessive (really..I don't think I am...I just appear that way when I take the time to write it down) I have decided that putting my thoughts hear might make it better. I know, I am lying to myself, but that is all I can at this point.

Wander with Me, and You will See

I could type about some serious things.

I could tell you that I am watching Criminal Minds.

I could tell you that I want to drop out of school.

I could tell you that I am slightly bored with this routine.

I could tell you that I still hate that cat that lives at that place where I call home.

I could tell you that I live a happy life as leaf on a giant oak tree that is painted on to a delicate tea cup that is wrapped in a news paper dated 1914 which is crammed in a small wooden box that has been shoved under a bed that is stored in the attic of a house that has not been lived for 3 1/2 years.

I could tell you all of these things, and as you see...I have.

Hello, and please enjoy.

Also, can I have this bed please? I mean...PLEASE???

You may be befuddled, but at least you aren't a camel

Hi. Hello there.

As you all know, I am indecisive. I change my mind alot. I listen to my family and friends, perhaps too much. I deeply care about their opinions, and many times when I don't know what to do, I go with their suggestions and encouragement with out trying to figure it out on my own. This is stupid. Of course they are supposed to be encouraging!! This does not mean that I should just go along blindly. They mean the best. I will always ask their advice, but I am going to start trying to make an effort to ask God what He wants me to do. I get confused, I get my wires crossed, I cannot concentrate on any one thing to save my life. I drive myself crazy. And in all of that I begin to seek the approval of everyone around me, instead of the one who created me. I fear that if I make the wrong decision than I may be looked down upon by certain people. This is a valid fear, and one that, on the most part should be ignored.

I graduated high school in May of 2007. I attended community college for 2 years having no idea what I wanted/needed to do with my life. Actually, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to sit at a desk, file papers, answer phones, make appointments, go home cook and bake to my hearts content, and volunteer at various organizations that would let me help people. I wanted to listen to people, not necessarily give them advice, but give them a chance to talk and be heard. This was all well and good in my head, but it didn't seem ambitious. My friends had plans, my family had suggestions. I was wishy washy. I wanted to have big plans, plans that took me places. Deep down though, I wanted to stay a small town girl. I wanted to know to know everyone. I still want those things.

When I finally got my self to "big college" last fall, I thought I had figured it out. I like kids, so obviously I should teach...right? Well at the end of last semester I realized this was WRONG. But maybe high school students would be different....right? Of course. However, this does not change the fact that I would have to teach. So far I have done very well in all of my Education classes. On paper I could make it as a teacher. In reality I am a nervous wreck when I start to think about it.

I get easily depressed SOMETIMES. When my eyes start twitching and my hair is falling out at an abnormal rate, I get depressed. I have never been a big fan of school. Alot of people say that same thing "oh I don't like school either, Melissa, but we will get through...because we have to you know." WHY though?? This is a social obstruction that has been forced on me. I hate it. I want to finish up and graduate to prove to those gross, disgusting people that I could do it, but in the end, how much is this degree going to help me?

So I picked. I picked something that I have been interested in from my very first class. I had considered it ever since that class, but got many notes of discouragement because it wouldn't "get me anywhere". At this point, I am ready to get out. I feel like I am trapped, and floating aimlessly all at the same time. I like to listen. I like to talk. I like high school students, maybe one day I will get to be a school counselor...that would be amazing. Maybe I will get my counseling certification. I don't know, but right now, my main focus is to graduate with a degree that I don't hate. Once I graduate that does not mean my life is over. It means that I am free to find something that works for me.

I am going tomorrow to talk to the head of the Psychology department about changing my major.

I would like your opinion. I also need your prayers. I still am not sure, I just know that I like this better than anything else that I can get a degree in. I have been praying about it, I am just not sure what signs I should be looking for. This is another very confusing situation. Ever since I found out I could still "feasibly" graduate with this degree though, I have felt relief. I do not know if this means anything at all, but I do know that relief is a nice feeling.

Somedays the light fades in such a slow and disappointing way

The Highwayman is such a completely haunting poem. The story is gripping, and quickly moving. It is very Romeo and Juliet-esque. I love it. Pandora had provided a song for it. I have been listening to the "Celtic Tradition" station for the past hour while I read. I have to get 19 chapters read by Monday. I am not behind because it just got assigned today. The book is The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles and thankfully it is holding my attention, until of course the song came up. I didn't notice until it was a few verses in, but indeed...as you may have guessed The Highwayman was playing. It is still playing. It makes for a long song, the artist's name is Loreena McKinnett. The song makes me sad, but it catches the imagination.

I think that listening to it would be a good idea.

I don't feel so well. The heat in my room has been at 80 degrees for days now, and it has finally made me sick. I would rather not say anything about it to my sweet little Korean roommate, but it is affecting my health, so I am partially glad that she will be leaving soon. I do like her, but I do not like being sick, and I hate having to confront people.

I have been sitting here for 2 and a half hours, and I am wondering if they are getting irritated yet. No one has looked at me funny or even said anything to me, so that makes me feel better, but there is always a fear that someone may be talking rudely about the dumb girl who has been reading in the corner forever.

I intensely hope that I will finish this reading soon, I am 7 chapters in, so I would say that I have made some progress.

I would also like to state that I wish I could be with my niece and nephew on their birthday. That is not going to happen, and it makes me upset, but I am so happy that they are having a good day.

I also am in a ridiculous writing mood today. This whole thing has an oddly dramatic tone which I am chalking up to being sick. thank you very much, and good day.

These Tears Hit the Floor with Fury

JN 200 test that needs to be studied for. Will I get it done? Maybe? How much do I care about it? uummm.

Rousseau was a flaming imbecile. I will not agree with his lifestyle, and I will continue to find issues with his inconsistent lifestyle/views.

I am distracted, and I do not want to be. We are talking large scale, not small.

I have been pouting all day about my singleness. I take a day like this every once in a while and just really feel like crying. The whole day. I picked the wrong day, or possibly the right one? People seemed to throw it back in my face a few times, the fact that I am single (because in my world, on these days, it is all about me...not anyone else). Then I went to Discovery at the BCM tonight. It was about relationships and what to do with yourself when you are single. It was taught by a 34 year old, single woman. She has been in 14 weddings. She has never been married. I wanted to cry, but the message was meant for me to hear. It didn't sound nice. I didn't want to listen, I wanted to leave...but really I wanted to stay. I wanted to yell about people not understanding, but I am pretty sure this woman understands more than any other. She has not resigned herself to being single the rest of her life, but she is content...not very, but relatively.

I am going to wrestle with this for a while.