Oh, Yawn. Ok, Now be Happy!

Well, here I sit in Psychology of Gender. Last day of classes. My excitement was stolen by failing my Statistics exam, but hey, my day will improve. This semester was possibly the fastest of my entire life. I think I enjoyed. I don't know, I cannot really tell at this point.

However, in much more happy news, I am now Mission to the World (MTW) intern! I have no idea where I am going yet, but I passed the application and interview processes! I am pretty proud of myself, I'm not gonna lie. More so, I know that God was totally in all of it because stuff like this doesn't normally happen so smoothly for me.

However, I still feel so blah, and I shouldn't.

I just hope that this feeling of "blah" goes away soon though. Finals have got me down, I don't even feel like crying anymore, just sitting and staring off in the distance until maybe something crazy happens.

I mean, crazy things have happened. I guess I just need to remove myself from this stupid rut.

Well, I Think You're Weird Too.

I just typed out a long ranty blog about the Male gender, then I felt it was too cliche and deleted it.

However, I feel bad for not updating this...so. Yeah.

I have nothing interesting to tell you.

You are wasting your time....just sitting there. Reading. Words.

I'm really sleepy. Sleep is such an odd thing. I think I'm always sleepy. I fall asleep at the stupidest times, like during movies. And TV shows. And while I'm reading. And while I'm being read to. And sometimes when I'm on the phone. I really need to work on this. Oh goodness, bedtime.

Your Fingers Hit the Ceiling, Now there's Glitter Everywhere

So, what's all this about?

I don't know. I'm sure you don't either. I know very few things for absolute truth. Those things that I know for sure, I hold onto very tightly.

I don't know though.

I wish I did.

What if I were French? Or made sense? Or what would happen if just once I got excited over something and did NOT make the most ridiculous sound you've ever hear?

I mean...these are things to ponder. These are not very interesting things to ponder, but they are ponderable nonetheless.

I get into stupid conversations, and I've been told I'm blunt. People seem to tolerate me still though, so I suppose that I'm not doing too poorly.

You know, I confuse myself quite a bit. I say things that I don't mean to, I say things that make less than no sense. I wonder if maybe I was slipped some drugs that completely damaged my brain. But really, my brain is probably my own fault. I wish it weren't so, but I think it is.

I'm really crazy, dears. It's true.

College made me this way. Society has ruined me.

Had they just let me live in the country with sheep and goats and chickens and pigs and cats and cows and vegetables and my Bible....

I may not be acting like this.

I have my Bible, so I am functioning.

But really, I feel like I could be a case study that you will be analyzing soon. I've just about cracked.

Gone mad.

But I can still pretend to dance, and pretend to do useful things. However, in reality I am just wondering what is going.

I know what is going on, but what is really going on?

Ok, this is getting way more than ridiculous. I'm off to bed. If I can remember where I put it.

"Love is the Fulfilling of the Law"

Wow, I just went over a month...I have neglected this poor little thing. Not that it matters much. I could say that I have been busy. And that would be mostly true, but I hate that excuse. It doesn't keep me from using it though. I just feel like such a flake when I say that silly phrase.

"Oh, I'm much too busy, Dears" ... "Do I have children? Well...no. Do I have a full time job? Well...no, but I do have school!" School? Really? Is that an excuse I should be making? I hate school with every fiber of my being. I am even studying something that I actually enjoy. I still feel that society has forced some sort of constraint on me. Telling me that since I am a strong woman, that I NEED to get my degree, and get a job that makes me lots of money. Is that what I want? Well, is it?? Has society asked me what I want? I know it's not all about me, of this I am well aware, however...it is my life. And Society could have been polite enough to see how I felt about all of this. The year is 2010, and apparently I live in a liberated time. Apparently I can do what I please. Except, that isn't true is it? It would be frowned upon if I got married, dropped out of school, and made biscuits for my husband.

I don't want to graduate from college. You heard me. Well, I guess at this point I do. I have made it this far, and I might as well finish. But what am I finishing? I am getting a degree in something I love, that being Psychology. But what do I do for half my classes? What have I done since freshman year? I have very purposefully ignored nearly every one of my professors. You wanna know why? Because they are unintelligent. I mean, fine; the ones teaching the math...they have the facts, but those are about the only ones that I haven't disagreed with (I cannot really disagree with something that I cannot seem to comprehend). But I ignore the others because many of them teach their opinion, and make things unnecessarily political.

But back to this whole "degree" thing. I still don't get why this makes me more eligible for a job, and really it doesn't. What have I learned? To sit in class, and spit back what the teacher wants to hear. I am spending so much money. So much time.

But here comes the question, how am I going to use this? As everyone knows, Psychology is essentially useless without some sort of graduate degree. And do I want to go into to MORE debt for that?! Society expects it. Society says that it's acceptable, and even good to do that. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO.

When people ask what I want to do when I graduate, I really don't have a good response. I know what I want. I want to spread the Gospel of the Good News of Jesus Christ with everyone. I want to go places, and help people. But when I say it out loud, many times I just get blank stares, or worse...I get smirks. Oh, smirks. People smirk, thinking, yeah...she wants to do "big things" do "good" things. She wants to stand out. I hate saying that I want to be a missionary, because honestly I know that I am so disgustingly imperfect that I am afraid that I would fail miserably at the job that I set out to do. And then people would laugh instead of smirk. I wish I didn't care about the smirking people, but they do get to me.

I do love people, believe or not. I think that's why I am so drawn to Psychology. I want to know more about people. I want to grow relationships with people. I want to listen, I want to talk, I want to share the love that I know that I have been commanded to share.

I know that I will always have opposition, that's what makes life the way it is.

So here it is Society; I know that you don't care, just as long as I do what fits in your cage of freedom, but I really want you to know this...

I want to get married, cook, clean house, have some babies, wear aprons, and generally be a loving wife and mother. I would feel the most accomplished doing that.

However, I know that I am going to try and graduate. I am going to try and get a job to pay off the student loans that I took out to get a piece of paper saying that I know enough to make a few dollars above minimum wage. I am just tickled pink. But I have decided that I really am going to try to get involved in Missions. Obviously, I am called to share the Gospel where ever I am, but I am going to try and get on with a Missions board. Whether I get anywhere with that will greatly depend on whether or not they will accept me with my student loans. I would like to ask that whomever reads this will pray for me. Pray that God will show what I am supposed to do, and pray that I don't screw up...too bad.

It seems I am always ranting about society, constraints, hating college, and wanting to do something else. I know it is boring to hear. And believe it or not, I am not being as dramatic as I sound. I know I need to quit complaining and do something.

For now, I am going to sit on the couch with my snuggie, watch Say Anything, and think about making Monkey Bread.

And let you know just how much I despise Society. Oh, and Sigmund Freud...I don't love him so much either.

I can fly. I can fly over that rock. Can you?

HEY.

So, I just got back from this place.

It goes by Crystal, New Mexico. It was beautiful. It was open. It was indescribable. I wish that I could include all of the stories that happened, but really it would all just come out as one big inside joke.

I had the amazing opportunity to help lead the youth age people (7th through 12th grades). I had a great time, and I thank everyone who prayed for the group while we were there. So much prayer and planning went into this trip, and I believe that God used every person. I learned so much while I was there. Patience, the importance of prayer, and good communication would be examples of a few.

I made many new friends whom I desperately do NOT want to lose contact with. I do that so often. Meet people, love them, and then never talk to them again. I would hate it if that happened in this situation.

Other things I learned: I need to acquire some wisdom...and FAST. I need to figure what counts as appropriate and inappropriate behavior in which settings. I need to learn to NOT be shtoopid.

I started more than one story that I never finished.

I said awkward things.

I wasn't aloud to flush the toilet whenever I wanted to....

I "slept" on a rock.

I got to see the biggest sky in the world. It put me in total awe.

I learned about old words and what they meant. I couldn't tell you any of them.

I learned that Ms. Ruth is a very interesting lady, who has a very deaf husband.

I learned that flying doesn't scare me.

I learned that I do not have a well planned out life (ok, I knew this, but I have never had to verbalize it so often in ONE FRIGGIN DAY....I mean...REALLY?!).

I learned that girls everywhere love buttons.

I learned that I cannot always win in the game of Chubby Bunny.

I figured out that my tummy doesn't like flying.

I really hope that I will be able to return next year.

Garlic and Cheese

I am laying (lying?) in my bed. It is full of crumbs.

I just went to a midnight movie in Starkville.

I might just be a very jealous person.

I am getting up in the morning to go make Chai tea pancakes with one or two of my most dearestest friends. This means that I should currently be sleeping. But see, something is bothering me.

I am a mean person. I can be blunt when I want to be. I can be manipulative when I want to be. I have many different tactics that use when I want someone to know that I am being mean. However, on the other hand...I am a generally nice person. I don't run around calling people names and hoping that something terrible happens to them. See, if you are my friend...I can honestly say that if you call or text me..and you really need something, I will most likely try and make that happen. Is this the case for my friends towards me? I found out tonight, that no, for two poor boys...it is not. I just didn't want to be stuck in that "3rd wheel" situation yet again. I really don't mind it most days, but with new couples I do. It isn't so fun. They know it, I know it. The whole thing is awkward. Needless to say that after much begging I was told by these two boys that they love hanging out with me, but not at midnight when they need to work in the next morning. I would have done it for them, but they won't for me. What an unfair world I live in.

Don't Yawn So Loud. You'll Wake the Neighbors.

Hi.

I've sprained my ankle, dear. This means with all the foot propping up that I should have probably updated this thing. However, it's been a while.

It's summer. That means I have been sweating, working, reading, watching Freaks and Geeks constantly, and generally being lazy.

I did have an opportunity to help lead at a youth retreat at the beginning of this month. That was pretty amazing. (That is also where I acquired this sprained ankle)

Also, I would like to let my avid readers....who are all so close that they already know this...so I don't know why I am typing it...that I am going on a missions trip to New Mexico to a Navajo reservation in July. I am so excited, but this trip needs lots of prayer. Prayer for the people we will meet, for safe travel, for strength, and for sufficient funds. It would be so great if y'all would be praying for us.