Hi. Hello there.
As you all know, I am indecisive. I change my mind alot. I listen to my family and friends, perhaps too much. I deeply care about their opinions, and many times when I don't know what to do, I go with their suggestions and encouragement with out trying to figure it out on my own. This is stupid. Of course they are supposed to be encouraging!! This does not mean that I should just go along blindly. They mean the best. I will always ask their advice, but I am going to start trying to make an effort to ask God what He wants me to do. I get confused, I get my wires crossed, I cannot concentrate on any one thing to save my life. I drive myself crazy. And in all of that I begin to seek the approval of everyone around me, instead of the one who created me. I fear that if I make the wrong decision than I may be looked down upon by certain people. This is a valid fear, and one that, on the most part should be ignored.
I graduated high school in May of 2007. I attended community college for 2 years having no idea what I wanted/needed to do with my life. Actually, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to sit at a desk, file papers, answer phones, make appointments, go home cook and bake to my hearts content, and volunteer at various organizations that would let me help people. I wanted to listen to people, not necessarily give them advice, but give them a chance to talk and be heard. This was all well and good in my head, but it didn't seem ambitious. My friends had plans, my family had suggestions. I was wishy washy. I wanted to have big plans, plans that took me places. Deep down though, I wanted to stay a small town girl. I wanted to know to know everyone. I still want those things.
When I finally got my self to "big college" last fall, I thought I had figured it out. I like kids, so obviously I should teach...right? Well at the end of last semester I realized this was WRONG. But maybe high school students would be different....right? Of course. However, this does not change the fact that I would have to teach. So far I have done very well in all of my Education classes. On paper I could make it as a teacher. In reality I am a nervous wreck when I start to think about it.
I get easily depressed SOMETIMES. When my eyes start twitching and my hair is falling out at an abnormal rate, I get depressed. I have never been a big fan of school. Alot of people say that same thing "oh I don't like school either, Melissa, but we will get through...because we have to you know." WHY though?? This is a social obstruction that has been forced on me. I hate it. I want to finish up and graduate to prove to those gross, disgusting people that I could do it, but in the end, how much is this degree going to help me?
So I picked. I picked something that I have been interested in from my very first class. I had considered it ever since that class, but got many notes of discouragement because it wouldn't "get me anywhere". At this point, I am ready to get out. I feel like I am trapped, and floating aimlessly all at the same time. I like to listen. I like to talk. I like high school students, maybe one day I will get to be a school counselor...that would be amazing. Maybe I will get my counseling certification. I don't know, but right now, my main focus is to graduate with a degree that I don't hate. Once I graduate that does not mean my life is over. It means that I am free to find something that works for me.
I am going tomorrow to talk to the head of the Psychology department about changing my major.
I would like your opinion. I also need your prayers. I still am not sure, I just know that I like this better than anything else that I can get a degree in. I have been praying about it, I am just not sure what signs I should be looking for. This is another very confusing situation. Ever since I found out I could still "feasibly" graduate with this degree though, I have felt relief. I do not know if this means anything at all, but I do know that relief is a nice feeling.
