"Oh, I'm much too busy, Dears" ... "Do I have children? Well...no. Do I have a full time job? Well...no, but I do have school!" School? Really? Is that an excuse I should be making? I hate school with every fiber of my being. I am even studying something that I actually enjoy. I still feel that society has forced some sort of constraint on me. Telling me that since I am a strong woman, that I NEED to get my degree, and get a job that makes me lots of money. Is that what I want? Well, is it?? Has society asked me what I want? I know it's not all about me, of this I am well aware, however...it is my life. And Society could have been polite enough to see how I felt about all of this. The year is 2010, and apparently I live in a liberated time. Apparently I can do what I please. Except, that isn't true is it? It would be frowned upon if I got married, dropped out of school, and made biscuits for my husband.
I don't want to graduate from college. You heard me. Well, I guess at this point I do. I have made it this far, and I might as well finish. But what am I finishing? I am getting a degree in something I love, that being Psychology. But what do I do for half my classes? What have I done since freshman year? I have very purposefully ignored nearly every one of my professors. You wanna know why? Because they are unintelligent. I mean, fine; the ones teaching the math...they have the facts, but those are about the only ones that I haven't disagreed with (I cannot really disagree with something that I cannot seem to comprehend). But I ignore the others because many of them teach their opinion, and make things unnecessarily political.
But back to this whole "degree" thing. I still don't get why this makes me more eligible for a job, and really it doesn't. What have I learned? To sit in class, and spit back what the teacher wants to hear. I am spending so much money. So much time.
But here comes the question, how am I going to use this? As everyone knows, Psychology is essentially useless without some sort of graduate degree. And do I want to go into to MORE debt for that?! Society expects it. Society says that it's acceptable, and even good to do that. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO.
When people ask what I want to do when I graduate, I really don't have a good response. I know what I want. I want to spread the Gospel of the Good News of Jesus Christ with everyone. I want to go places, and help people. But when I say it out loud, many times I just get blank stares, or worse...I get smirks. Oh, smirks. People smirk, thinking, yeah...she wants to do "big things" do "good" things. She wants to stand out. I hate saying that I want to be a missionary, because honestly I know that I am so disgustingly imperfect that I am afraid that I would fail miserably at the job that I set out to do. And then people would laugh instead of smirk. I wish I didn't care about the smirking people, but they do get to me.
I do love people, believe or not. I think that's why I am so drawn to Psychology. I want to know more about people. I want to grow relationships with people. I want to listen, I want to talk, I want to share the love that I know that I have been commanded to share.
I know that I will always have opposition, that's what makes life the way it is.
So here it is Society; I know that you don't care, just as long as I do what fits in your cage of freedom, but I really want you to know this...
I want to get married, cook, clean house, have some babies, wear aprons, and generally be a loving wife and mother. I would feel the most accomplished doing that.
However, I know that I am going to try and graduate. I am going to try and get a job to pay off the student loans that I took out to get a piece of paper saying that I know enough to make a few dollars above minimum wage. I am just tickled pink. But I have decided that I really am going to try to get involved in Missions. Obviously, I am called to share the Gospel where ever I am, but I am going to try and get on with a Missions board. Whether I get anywhere with that will greatly depend on whether or not they will accept me with my student loans. I would like to ask that whomever reads this will pray for me. Pray that God will show what I am supposed to do, and pray that I don't screw up...too bad.
It seems I am always ranting about society, constraints, hating college, and wanting to do something else. I know it is boring to hear. And believe it or not, I am not being as dramatic as I sound. I know I need to quit complaining and do something.
For now, I am going to sit on the couch with my snuggie, watch Say Anything, and think about making Monkey Bread.
And let you know just how much I despise Society. Oh, and Sigmund Freud...I don't love him so much either.
